you’re killing me here. i’m trying to stand tall and you’re cutting off my legs. i’m doing everything possible to remain stable, in control, alive, and if you haven’t noticed i’m barely holding on to my skin. which means i definitely don’t need you making everything worse. but you do, you make it so much worse…when you tell me to shut the fuck up or don’t listen at all when i talk to you…when you yell at me about how i’m worthless, useless, selfish-your favorite three things to call me…when you get home and shut yourself in your room so i won’t bother you…when you underestimate me because you’re convinced i’m not good enough for anything or anyone, not even you…when all you expect from me is failure…when you scream at me about how i didn’t clean the house right when i just spent the entire day cleaning every detail just to make you happy…when you indirectly tell me i’m a burden and want me out of the house and then you try to cover it up…when you blame me for everything…when you just don’t give a shit about me…when i know you’re all i have left but really i’m terribly alone because i can’t count on you for anything.

you’re pushing at my limits. and should i explode because of you, i know the first thing you’ll do is pack me up, send me to a hospital, get rid of me because i’m “crazy and in need of fixing and too irritating to have in the house anyways.” i gave everything i had to get out of that hole, and i succeeded. sure, i’m not perfect, and yes i may weakening at the edges at times, but i’m doing my best. and i don’t want to lose everything just because you’re tearing me up into little bite-size pieces you can give to the neighbor’s dog.

it hurts you know? sometimes all i want is a little love and support from you, or just anybody, but mostly you. you’re the only person whose opinion of me actually matters. you’re the only person, apart from myself, who can truly hurt me so much i can end up emotionally incapacitated. you have no idea how much you mean to me and you act like i mean nothing to you, and i can’t do anything about it. you’re like a stone, and the only way to be around you is to be the same, stone-solid, glass-cold. emotionless. the only time you direct your words at me is when you need someone to pound on. all i can feel now is this hate and anger boiling in my veins. don’t make me hate you too. don’t make me a monster. please…

here i go, off to write away another piece of my frustrated self. but hell, i can’t write it anywhere else. so be ready for, not strings of profanity, but ropes.

it just makes me incredibly pissed off how people, too many people, have this absurd fucking idea that i’m some type of toy, that i’m something to be used and thrown away or passed on or maybe used again if they’re bored enough. bloody fucking hell, seriously?! am i THAT fucking worthless?! or are people pathetically ignorant enough to not want me for anything other than sex, like if i were some goddamn whore? it’s bullshit. and i’m sick of it because i am nothing of the sort.

i got a call today, from someone i know, asking me if i wanted to be a part of a three-way because, apparently, i was the only person they could think of. what the fucking hell?! it’s the fourth time this year i get a request like that, all of which i have said ‘no’ to. not to mention, the countless invitations (in the time spand of this summer) by older men to be taken home with them because, in their words, they would love to have someone like me in bed. well they can go take a motherfucking shit. what the fuck is that supposed to mean anyways?! i am not a damned piece of meat. others have had their dicks so far up their ass that they’ve offered to pay me. top it off with the numerous people this summer that have so gracefully pretended to be interested in a relationship with me, only to be forgotten a couple days later because really, all they wanted from me was to cure their desires for kissing and the sort, so they can be done with it, and go after the girl they truly wanted. or better yet, also throughout this summer, all the people that have told me, ”if i weren’t dating her i’d be with you.” and i’d answer, ”aww, that’s sweet.” when really my head was screaming, WELL FUCK YOU!! GO SHOVE A GODDAMN COW UP YOUR ASS AND I HOPE YOUR CURRENT GIRLFRIEND GIVES YOU AIDS.

sorry, i’m usually alot nicer, but when these little comments get repetitive, they tend to linger around in your head until they drive you crazy because you realize that nobody deems you good enough to be anything more than a sexual toy or a plan B. for someone with the massive phobia of not being good enough, it’s devastating. and on those days where i’m so viciously hating humanity, it’s just like pouring a ton of gasoline on fire. and then i get blamed for being hostile.

on the bright side,  i now know that if i’m ever poor and desperate enough, i can become a prostitute. and i say this, with all the sarcasm in my veins.

it’s ridiculous. it’s utterly ridiculous, how hope comes and goes so drastically; how for one moment, it comes falling out of the sky, and you stretch out your hands to catch it, but it flies right past you, crashes straight into the earth…and vanishes. another ghost for you to live with.

i’m tired of wasting so much energy on hope…a hope that comes but only to taunt me and disappear. i’m tired of trying so hard only to have my face dragged across miles of dirt. it just isn’t worth it anymore. but then, i can’t just sit here and do nothing. i don’t know what to do. so here i am, crying so pathetically, writing sentences that probably no one will read.

i’m supposed to have improved. i’ve apparently improved enough that i’ve successfully gotten rid of all my psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists. or am i just that good at manipulating them that i’m finally free of them? don’t get me wrong, that has been my plan all along, get rid of them so i can be able to think for myself, make my own decisions. and all without being under the influence of whichever million pills and threats they gave me. because really, all these people did was make my life just that much more impossible.

so it’s been over two months since i’ve started this new life. away from my biological dad (who also made my life impossible), new city, new house (well, a rental, me and mom are not exactly steady economically), and a few new acquaintances. this is the part where i’m supposed to move forward. but really, my life is going nowhere fast. and i’m just stuck. i fail at everything. i can be there, motivated, trying to make things happen, willing to do anything it takes, in every sense and scenario, stepping out of my way to achieve it…but somehow, just somehow, it simply never works out. everything comes crashing down, and i go back to the beginning; sticking myself in my room for days, crying for hours, regaining energy, to try again and fail again and dammit it’s like i’m recycling moments of my life: cry. readjust. gain courage. do my best. fail. repeat.

i’ve given life chance after chance but it’s like a bad relationship. they cheat, spit, shit on you and there you go telling them you still love them, because you want to make it work. you pat their back, kiss them, hoping they’ll come through and love you, and suddenly, their hands are at your neck again, suffocating. 

life, i apologize, but i will no longer be your punching bag. if you have something left to offer, now’s the time. if there’s nothing, say the word, because i’m signing out. breaking-up.

so far off i can’t catch up to my very own self.

electrifythisheart:

This Isn’t the End: A Skylit Drive

i can never be sure which i’m more of.

i’m always holed up in my house, days and days will go by and i don’t see the outside world. my mom and brothers leave for school and work before 6am and are back at around 6pm at earliest, so i’m home alone all day, and it gets impossibly lonely. but then i think, maybe it’s better this way, to remain shut out from society. that way my abrupt mood & personality changes won’t affect anyone. either way, i hate being so alone all the time.

so this weekend, my mom, her best friend, and my brothers decided to go on vacation for a couple days to the other side of the island, of course, i was invited, i’m part of the family, but even though it drives me insane to be trapped by walls 24/7, i decided not to go. yeah, hypocritical much? the thing is, i’ve realized lately that my mood swings are becoming more and more drastic, and the voices in my head haunt me more by the minute. my mom’s best friend noticed the other day, she said i was acting incredibly hostile, i started crying because i didn’t really notice i was doing it, and i don’t want to hurt anyone. if she noticed, and she and my mom only see me less than a couple hours a day, i wonder what would’ve happened if i actually went on vacations with them, and spent a good 72 hours near them. i was sure to ruin everybody’s vacation with my mood swings from indifference, to fury, to bored, to hostile, to feeling like i can conquer the world, to not wanting to do anything at all, to who knows what else. and acting like i do was a sure ticket to an arguement with mom. so better stay away from everybody’s path, don’t want them to notice, don’t want to disappoint anybody else.

so i’ve been home alone since saturday afternoon, and will be till monday night. it hurts me that i have to restrain myself from going out and having a good time because i can’t even control what’s going on in my head and i’m terrified of losing the few people i have in my life.

yesterday though (saturday) after everybody had gone, one of my best friends came to pick me up, then we picked up my other best friend and we went out for a little while, went to the mall and stuff. i mostly remained quiet, as usual, better keep my mouth shut before i say something terribly wrong right? so it was all going good until we started driving back home. i was alone in the back seat, when all of a sudden i see a hand on my thigh and i look to my right and see the silhouette of a man or something. i freaked out. it’d been a while since i saw something, usually i just hear voices. so i bent down, put my head between my knees, and texted one of my friends, asking her to please tell me if there was someone sitting beside me. she turned around, told me it was okay, that there was no one there. but then both of my friends looked at me with totally freaked out faces. i felt so damn embarrased. like such a damn failure. like i’m a burden because, at 18, i still have to be looked out after because my brain is so messed up. i don’t want to lose my friends, i don’t want them to think, “oh, it’s always the same shit with her, she’s no fun to be with, we’d better not invite her.” i. hate. myself. i. want. to. be. normal.

oh, and another reason why i didn’t go on vacation with my family: food. if i went, it meant several days of fast foods and eating all day. they’d be watching, so i’d have to eat. stay home, no one watching, forget food for the entire weekend, i’ll feel better about myself, the number on the scale will drop.

I. AM. NOT. A. WORTHY. HUMAN. BEING.

so my grandma gave me 10$ today. my broke grandma who i adore to the end of the world. the one who was there when my parents weren’t. i accepted the money because she wouldn’t let me do otherwise. i felt guilty about it. she gives me too much already. so somehow, within a few hours, i managed to buy a box of 30 laxatives without being seen. now i feel guiltier.

but really, i just can’t stand myself. i’m just such a fucking cow. no one ever notices me. hell, i can’t even look at myself without squirming. my ED is the one thing i really don’t want help in. not until i reach my goal weights. not until i’m beautiful. i already made that mistake once. i opened up to the doctors, they stuck a needle in me and threw vitamins in my body and gave me wierd liquids that made me gain weight. by the end of that, the hospital nutritionist looked as though she would crack-up any moment, laughing at how, this anorexic me, was really too fat. i was a failure.

but this time around, i’ll make it through. i will do something for myself. the reasons for my ED are too many to list right now, but nevertheless, i’ll make it. i won’t stop until i feel like i can conquer the damn world with a single step. and if i do get hospitalized again, i would like to laugh in that damn nutritionists face. weighing countless pounds lighter i’d ask, “am i still too fat?”

when i get all the reasons for this gathered up, i will post them.

and when i lose a few pounds more, i’ll post my stats and my goal-weights.

hell, now i’m laughing, who am i talking to?? no one follows this blog=/

tempting. tempting. tempting.

seriously tempting.

if i don’t get the voices in my head to shut off, this is what i’ll look like…

funny how not even three hours ago, i was crying my eyeballs out.

i seriously just hated the world. i was so passionately hating everything that i felt i would go off screaming, punching and throwing at any given moment like i’ve done countless times before. i just didn’t get it, why in bloody hell couldn’t i be stable for once. why couldn’t i just make peace with myself and move on? why was i so fucking stuck? why did i hate myself so much? everything just hurts sometimes. everytime it happens it drives me closer and closer to just giving in. to just stop trying so hard to get better. to stop trying to not dissapoint my mom. to stop trying to be okay with living because it just isn’t going to happen. to just picking up a blade & cutting. and then giving myself in to the doctors, let them hospitalize me for the 8th time in 4 years, let them experiment on me, i don’t serve any other purpose anyways, i probably belong in a hospital for the rest of my life.

now, three hours later, i am calmly sipping my 0 calorie tea, plotting my next move on my psychologist. if i play my cards right, i won’t have to go anymore.

these abrupt mood changes are killing me. i know i need help, but the only one who can help me is obviously me. and if these idiot therapists keep messing with my brain, i’ll never be okay.

i’m at war with myself.